I want to know what love is, I want you to show me

Posted Wednesday, February 12, 2014 - 7:16pm

In a past life, I was a love advice wizard. I wrote articles that changed lives for the better. I made Dr. Phil look like a hormonal middle school girl. My articles were the best because I was the best. Since my glory days, I have let my advice skills atrophy. My heart has grown rusty but it still beats with passion. With Valentine’s Day knocking on the door, it has become apparent to me that I must shake off the shackles and get down to the nitty gritty. At least for a small moment in time, the Love Doctor has risen. Get ready for your heart to be stuffed like a cheap burrito at Taco Bell.

Love is an acronym. L.O.V.E. stands for Luck, Opportunity, Variety and Emotion. Each of these elements makes up an important part of having a successful love life. Each elements deserves one paragraph and each element shall get its well-deserved paragraph.

Luck is the first element because it has part in the other three elements. Without luck, your love life ends up something like this: eight years of debt, seven rotten children, six STD’s, your armpits smell like five onion rings and you can just forget about a partridge in a pear tree. Luck is the magic glue that can keep the hardest relationships together. Love is like playing the odds at Vegas. The house always wins, but one lucky guy gets his seven’s to line up and is an instant millionaire. That ugly, smelly, jerk who won makes you think that it could happen to anyone. Not everyone will find true love. Most people will win a few dollars in the penny machine of their love life. Sometimes to have luck, you have to put it all on the line. You realize that your heart may very well be broken after all is said and done. If you are lucky, you too can be an “ugly, smelly, jerk” who wins the prize.

Opportunity is our next key ingredient. It is a tricky thing. It is hard to differentiate between a rare opportunity and a regular occurrence. Wal-Mart is the perfect example of this to the point where they have mastered the art of advertising. When you shop at Wally World, it is hard to know if you are getting a good deal anymore. Love is the same way. A smart shopper plans out their list before they are deceived by garbage sales. A person with a great love life chooses wisely. They aren’t looking for the cheapest product available, but know what they are looking for. When the perfect product is available for the right price, they make no delay. The key is to know who the ideal companion for you is and how much you have to pay to get them. Deals come around and so will your love. Bargain if you have to, but don’t let your love slip away in the process. When you have the option to buy a dime for half price, you don’t hesitate. When you see the love of your life give you the time of day, you buy them a Katy Perry CD and they will know you love them.

Variety is our third key ingredient. Flavors get dull over time and love is no different. A love life must be ever changing like the color of that weird mole growing next to my belly button. Variety comes in a variety of ways. For instance, some people in this country go against the norms and enter a world of the taboo in order to keep their heart guessing what will come next. Since it is quite a controversial topic, I will not bring heterosexual, homosexual or polygaist marriages. Besides, these are far too simple to keep things dangerously interesting. Why limit your love life to humans? In Northern Guatemala it is quite common for adolescent boys to have intimate relationships with donkeys. Narcissus found that his reflection was lust-worthy. Relationships filled with love don’t have limited to two living-parties either. A woman can love a Ferris wheel enough to marry it. A soup ladle can be the apple of your eye. Who says your better half can’t be a broken watch? True love knows no boundaries. It is like the honey badger. Honey badger doesn’t give a wooden nickel.

Our last key ingredient is found in emotion. Love brings out the strongest emotions such as joy, hatred, fear, pain, comfort, pleasure and devastation. The absolute worst thing about love is the reality of a broken heart. Most of us remember the first blow to the crotch of our heart. Alcohol is not a recommended anesthetic for the pain that just won’t go away. It tears the very soul in half by remembering the cornucopia of memories. Nostalgia can be a B-unit. A new found love is the only permanent cure for a lost love. Love heals what love destroys. Don’t hide from the fear of emotion, embrace it. Emotion is the spark that ignites the fire.

Love is composed of luck, opportunity, variety and emotion. A relationship lacking one of these elements lacks one card in a royal suit. In other words, it is incomplete and unless you are a master of bluffing, you have nothing. Love breaks all the rules and so can you. If you don’t have your royal suit that you are willing to go all in on, then keep drawing from the deck until you get your cards all lined up. For Valentine’s Day L.O.V.E. like you have never loved before and you probably won’t regret it.

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